[Another list from resident list-maker, Brent Chittenden. If this doesn't provide you with a moral guide in this world, nothing will. - AC]
Hell is supposed to be a place where you will pay for your sins and what better way for the devil to make you pay a little bit more than with some horrible music blaring in your ears as a crow tears out your liver... or something. The irony being that the devil probably has a kick ass playlist for himself (I imagine there is a lot of Slayer on it) and just wears noise canceling headphones and makes you listen to this. So just in case you’re thinking of doing something evil this weekend here’s the Top Ten Songs You Will Be Forced To Listen To In Hell!
10) Making Love Out of Nothing At All – Air Supply
I can’t imagine listening to the entire 5 minutes of this schlock let alone for a century or two.
9) Thong Song – Sisqo
Any song that references a crappy song by Ricky Martin in anything other than in jest is terrible. This ode to thongs is just a horrible Michael Jackson wannabe track.
8) The Macarana – The Chipmunks
Take one of the worst songs ever made, speed up the vocals and you have a tool sharper than any devil’s pitchfork on the ears.
7) Shots – LMFAO featuring Lil Jon
It sounds like a cd skipping due to finger prints which could possibly be my second least favorite sound in history (incidentally, I think a giant hand print on a cd became known as dubstep).
6) Metal Machine Music – Lou Reed
I’ve included the entire album because honestly it does sound like one droning guitar distortion solo performed by a drunk monkey that doesn’t like you much. Feel free to note in the comments how far you actually get before turning the youtube clip off.
5) Message in a Bottle – Mini Pops
Maybe this is just a personal one because I love The Police so much but could you imagine hearing this for eternity?
4) Zero Tolerance For Silence – Pat Metheny
I imagine that jazz guitar great Pat Metheny came into the studio and stated “I want to make an album like Metal Machine Music but even more out of tune and out of synch with what I’m known for!”. My Uncle Bill (who was a great part of my musical upbringing) gave this to me as a joke after he bought it by accident.
3) Hot Problems – Double Take
I don’t care if this is supposed to be a joke (I’m not entirely convinced it is), it’s just awful. Every time I think Miley Cyrus is the worst, like her horrible version of Smells Like Teen Spirit and I’ll remember this crap and look upon her fondly.
2) Feaxxx - BrokeNCYDE
Had never even heard of these guys until Alan suggested them for the list. They are apparently a “crunkcore” band which I gather means it takes the worst from crunk/hip hop and the worst aspects of hardcore/metalcore and mixes them together into a big steaming pile or horrible.
1) Cotton Eye Joe – Rednex
Hearing it once or twice is bearable but anymore and my ears bleed a little. But imagine listen to this for years? The thought makes the bowels quake in fear. And it still gets played at every sporting event! WHY? That’s our list but it could change easily enough as there is plenty of bad music out there. And bad music yet to come.
My friend Dan suggested the worst song that Satan could ever play would be a theoretical version of Rock Lobster as done by Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black. SHUDDER! What’s on your list? Please leave your comments below.